I read a few different articles today that really called for us to return to the more altruistic communal lifestyles of our hunter-gatherer pasts. These articles ranged in author and topic from a voice of the single lady of 2011 to the voice of E.O. Wilson, Conservation Biologist guru.
The voice of the single, marriage-minded heterosexual female discussed the end of traditional marriage, the rise of women in the workforce (we now outnumber men for the first time in history), and the hardship of trying to balance autonomy with romantic love. Breaking the mould, we are turning our relationships or marriages into “pure relationships” where intimacy is sought in and of itself and not solely for baby making or resource acquisition. However, a warning: we have to accept that one person cannot fulfill all of our emotional and social needs. To attempt to make someone fulfill such needs will cause us to strain our relationships and kill them. The idea is to make our familial relationships and friendships, essentially our community, more of a priority and therefore more meaningful to us. This should take some pressure off of us to find the ultimate emotional fulfillment in one person and benefit our community. Accomplishing this acceptance that the “one” is really the “many” requires that we change the way we think about love and romantic love/sex, allowing both to be more free flowing since we are in non-traditional times…for when both man and woman can survive without the other and still yet find more available and appealing men and women to couple with, what’s the rush?
Relationships, love and sex have always been topics of interest for me. I’ve watched many a TED lecture on the subject, have read many articles, and watched many documentaries. Maybe it’s because my parents’ marriage didn’t make it, yet my grandparents have been together for 60 years. Maybe it’s because a majority of my friends also came from broken families, but my aunts and uncles have been together since college in one instance, and the sandbox in another. Basically, from all of the information I have gathered from others’ life experiences, there is no norm on relationships/marriages even though we have been led to believe otherwise. Hence, my confusion and interest.
Serial monogamy seems to be the way to go for us humans, especially now that economically speaking (read: resources), men and women are coming to a head. Serial monogamy refers to being in a series of temporary monogamous relationships. Promiscuity is even more likely for those of us that are college-educated because our sex ratio is a bit askew. Within the college-educated social bubble women outnumber men 57% to 43% respectively. If we included Masters degrees and PhD’s, women are at an all time high of 65% of graduates. In social environments where women are in surplus, studies show that men will resist commitment and be promiscuous because there are far too many attractive intelligent ladies about!
I’m from what’s been dubbed the “hook-up” generation. Although I’m no fan of one night stands, I am open to casual relationships and enjoy being a serial monogamist and having relationships, albeit temporary ones, with people that I really connect with. Part of my ability to do such a thing is my circumstance however. As a field biologist I travel from place to place, spending 3-6 months at a time in a given location. Even if a relationship is established and going well, it ends because I skip town. I have had much practice making and then breaking bonds (which still involves crying and a pint of Ben and Jerry’s, don’t get me wrong – I am no robot). It has definitely allowed me to step outside of the box as far as relationships go though. I am not having long-term, committed relationships, even though society tells me I should have a serious boyfriend at the age of 25 if I want to be married with kids in my 30’s. Whether I want that or not, however, is yet to be determined.
Eventually I would like to have a long-term relationship again (1yr +) but can’t see it being realistic given my current lifestyle. Now add all of the statistical analysis done on the demographics of my generation and I’m not sure it’s realistic for another ten years simply because of the sex ratio of my college-educated counterparts, my age and the age of the men I hope to date. It, amazingly enough, doesn’t freak me out, unlike many other women my age. I’m not afraid, because I just think about all of the relationships and connections I have made thus far in my life. A VAST majority of them have been fabulous. Really! I feel so blessed to have met and gotten to know the men that have come and gone in my life. Many of them are still in my life and are great friends. I’ve learned from each of them and now have a clear idea of what qualities I’m looking for in a partner. More importantly, I’ve learned that I have the ability to connect with people well. It comes easily to me. And this is surprising because I was once so so shy! The good that field work has done me! : )
When you can connect with people easily, even if it’s just as friends, you’re not going to feel alone. And if you feel alone, you know it wont last long, because you know you’ll start a conversation with someone that may lead to a friendship that will at least last the length of the conversation or the work season. It will shift your perception of things a little bit given the stories they tell you about their lives and how they perceive the world. You will be connecting with someone, you will be sharing, you will not be alone. Sometimes the conversation can take an unexpected turn and end up being the catalyst of a life-long friendship or a romantic relationship. Connecting with people should be the focus of this emotional fulfillment we seek. This is going to be my focus. As much as I really love being in love and nurturing a relationship I think I need to be patient and wait it out until I’m no longer a nomad.
So, the question remains: are we serial monogamists for life or do we eventually tie the knot with the ‘right’ person or even the ‘wrong’ person? And by right person, all I mean is this: we love each other for exactly who we are, right now. We can’t love each other’s potential, we can’t love the idea of each other, we can’t love a fraction of each other. We have to take all of the weaknesses and strengths, limitations and abilities, inhibitions and playful antics and love them all to cute squishy death. And even then, we still have to wait and see if we have what it takes to survive the inevitable turbulence that life will throw our way.
I have a feeling we’re trying to generalize something that cannot be generalized. Trying to put a label on something resembling a “norm” so we can feel like we understand what “love” is all about and sleep well at night. Foucault’s Black Box theory all over again. To think such philosophical concepts impact our thoughts of romance and fancy! Who’d have thunk it?! We are all different. We all love differently. Some will remain single at heart and single in reality. Others will find love early in their lives and hold onto it forever. Others will date, searching for the “one” or simply for temporary companionship and be content with jumping from one person to the next, each relationship temporary yet fulfilling. Others still will give up romantic relationships entirely and focus on their family, friends, spirituality and community. Nuns and monks do still exist. We are all different and a majority likely lay outside of what has been deemed “the norm.” This, we must all learn to accept as the truth. Where do you stand?
This is one glimpse of what it’s like to be me: all of this thought and confusion about love and relationships and reaching a moment of self-realization when I was supposed to be talking about communal living...fun times.
Next time I’ll actually discuss ants, E.O. Wilson & altruism and what needs to be done to save humanity. But first, a movie with my mother. Priorities people, priorities.
Cheers,
Erin
Erin
(11/7/2011)
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